How to Have a Threesome: Tips for a Successful Threesome
Threesomes are one of the most common fantasies out there, and can be an absolutely fabulous sexual experience when the stars align–and communication is at the forefront.
A threesome can be explored by three people of any gender or orientation, as long as the interest and attraction lines up so there’s something for everyone to enjoy.
What is a threesome?
A threesome is the most common term to use when three people have sex together. This can be any gender combination and there’s no rule about what kind of sex should be had (apart from taking everyone’s interests and boundaries into account).
A threesome can also be called a three-way, or ménage à trois (though in French this primarily refers to three people who live together–in English we might call this a triad, trio, or throuple). Group sex-related terms include orgy, swinging, and play party, though these are definitely not limited to three participants. Especially if you’re checking out apps or ads you might encounter lingo like MMF and FMF: that’s “male male female” and “female male female” but again, no need to get super-gendered about it unless that’s specifically what you’re looking for.
Why do people enjoy threesomes?
Like anal sex, threesomes need to be something you want, not something your partner really wants but you don’t know how to say no to, or even something you decide to set up for your boo on their birthday. To start a threesome right, everyone should want–and be excited!--to be there.
People who love (or just long for) threesomes can be in it for the voyeurism and exhibitionism (watching and being watched); living out a bisexual dream; having multiple activities available (again, if everyone present wants to do multiple things), including varying positions that mostly are made possible when more than two people get together; more hands for touching; more bodies to explore; more sensation to discover!
Fulfill fantasies and desires
As we said, threesomes are a really common fantasy. They’re a turn-on because they offer variety–they let you explore a new sexual adventure with your partner. And this doesn’t mean your partner “isn’t enough”: threesomes can be something extra, exciting, fresh, and shared.
When it all goes well, it is hella-fun and sexy. It is inherently visual, with lots of sexy views to admire, and it can be a hot way to explore things you’ve fantasized about, like same-sex or other-sex play; two-on-one sexual sensation; and other kinds of fun, with or without kink and role-play options on the menu.
But fantasy isn’t reality, so we’re here to break down some of the elements of a successful trio encounter, since there are also many ways trying one can go wrong.
Keeps relationships spicy
Threesomes are not the only way to add novelty to a relationship–and let’s remember that you don’t have to be in a relationship to participate in a threesome. We’d suggest many other ways to spice things up before a ménage à trois comes up on the list.
This is because to have a good threeway, you need to already be pretty spicy, with great sexual communication skills, a ton of mutual respect and familiarity, some clarity about your threesome ideas–aka a sense of what you both want out of the encounter–and comfort with exploring sexually. Threesomes just are not a beginner scene. But when you’re ready for it, threesomes can indeed be a fantastic and sexy way to keep the adventures coming. (Literally!)
Sexuality Exploration
A person doesn’t have to be bisexual to enjoy a threesome; some threeways involve three people all of the same gender, after all. But of course some do love the option of exploring sexual curiosities or yearnings, with same-gender or other-gender play part of what can make a threesome desired and special.
Cuck Play and Power Dynamics
A cuck fantasy (and related “hotwife” play) is a specific kind of threesome focus: A couple will invite another partner into the scene, having the third focus on one half of the couple while the other partner watches, gets turned on and/or masturbates, eventually joins in, or some other variation.
When it comes to cuck play with a male / female couple, hotwifing shows off how sexy the woman is while having sex with their “bull” (a male third partner), while for some couples it isn’t cuck play unless the “watching” partner is subject to erotic humiliation associated with how sexy their partner is finding the “guest star” third. (FYI: “Cuck” is short for “cuckold,” a term that references a man being betrayed by his wife.) Please note that we’re talking about a consensual form of play here… and that though many threesome enthusiasts aren’t engaging in cuck play, some might wish to explore it. This is definitely not beginner play!
Did any of that give you some new threesome ideas? Keep fantasizing, because we’re sure this just scratches the surface of the kinds of fun you can have in sexual three ways. We have plenty of threesome tips to share.
How do I raise the question of a threesome with a partner?
Advice for threesome fun is all over the internet, but we want to be real with you. You’ve got to start somewhere, and often that means bringing it up with your person.
Communication
A threesome can be deeply desired by one partner and be on the “oh hell no” list of another, so never ever spring one on your partner. Talk about it first, and share how sexy it is in fantasy, and how to make sure the IRL version lives up to the hype from your imagination.
This is a time to make sure you can say at least some of what you hope to experience, ways that you hope your partner can enjoy it, and bottom line, that you can have an explicit convo about sexual things and get through it intact.
And we’ll remind you again–this isn’t your gateway to sexual adventure. A threesome must involve participants who are already at least partly through that gate. Have you already started to talk frankly (even erotically) about your sex lives? Have you told each other your fantasies? Have you watched porn together and talked about it? Have you picked out sex toys and played with them together? Can you comfortably ask each other for desired kinds of touch or enforce boundaries? That’s all part of a larger menu of sexual exploration and comfort that can get you ready for a threesome.
So choose a time when you have some comfortable space to delve into the conversation–and literally enough time for a discussion. If you’re too rushed or stressed about something else, not feeling great or low on sleep, or hungry or dehydrated, you can’t get the level of comfort you’d want when it comes to verbally exploring your interest in a threesome.
Reassurance
Beyond all that, you want to make sure your partner isn’t just playing a role in your fave fantasy; they might be worried that you’re really into this idea because you want to have sex with someone else. And, well, you do! But together.
You can’t treat your partner as an extra in your movie and then have your relationship go right back to what it was, and this is something your partner might be quite worried about. So make space for those fears in your conversation, including sharing your own, and make this conversation one more act of intimacy and exploration that you two embark on together. Part of this may mean that your partner needs reassurance, and this isn’t a stumbling block–it is part of the experience. You might find it’s a super-valuable part!
Things to remember before you have a threesome
Communicate–and negotiate
You might be focused on the bodies: What are the important sex positions for a threesome? Aaaaand you’ll want to slow your roll for a minute, cowboy / cowgirl / cowpoke. Again, if you’ve never (or hardly ever) talked about sex or during sex, you’re going to need to develop that skill before you’re ready for a threesome.
If you’re mainly doing this because you think your partner wants it, you must find your own desire, as well as your boundaries, before you dive in. Each of you should delve into what you’d like to experience, what you don’t want, and how you’ll communicate about all that in the moment. It’s common for people with a threesome fantasy to already have an idea of which of their co-workers or mutual friends they’d like to invite over–not only is this an idea that can go sideways, and by that we mean wrong, it’s yet another element the two of you must negotiate together.
And if you’re the third person, all this is relevant to you too, even if you don’t have to negotiate specifics with a partner. You’ll still need to be able to say what you’re up for and what your limits are. Don’t just go along with it, figure out what would make the scene more pleasurable, and speak up about it!
Don’t do it if you are not ready
This is not sex 101. This is grad school, and if you’re more fearful or nervous than excited, or not sure you can hold your own in the face of your partner’s enthusiasm, you might just need to do more exploring of other kinds of erotic fun before you come back to this idea. If the question “Hey, wanna have a threesome?” does not sound sexy and intriguing, it’s not time to have a threesome. (You might still feel nervous–that’s a different matter. That’s a “negotiation + reassurance + taking it step by step” situation. Nerves are normal, they don’t mean you can’t have a good time.)
If you have a partner and this whole thing is their idea—and you’re just not sure it’s what you want to do—that’s a no. (Or a “not yet,” anyhow.)
If you think it’s an awesome idea in theory but if your partner paid more attention to the new person than to you, you’d burst into tears or freak out in some other fashion, it’s probably also a “not yet,” if ever.
No surprise threeways
If you are partnered and you find someone to have a threesome with and you just bring them right home to meet your partner, slow down there, Sparky. Make sure this is a good time, and that this dynamic is something that has been discussed and consented to beforehand--including by the person that’s the “surprise” guest.
Usually, folks like to have more notice and time to decide–not in front of one another–if they are interested in being a part of a threesome. Depriving your partner of that puts them on the hot seat–not cool. If the invitation feels uncomfortable, that only makes the activity seem uncomfortable as well.
No matter whose idea it is, if it’s contingent on convincing a specific person to say yes (and that person has expressed no sexual energy or interest with you), that's a red flag.
It could be a little awkward at first, and that’s okay
And since nerves are normal, it can take a bit to feel like you’re in the swing of things. That’s fine! Don’t try to drown out a case of nerves – ask yourself what you need to feel more comfortable.
Maybe talk openly together about it, since your threesome partners might have the jitters too. This might all be fixed with a “what I hope to experience and what I don’t want to experience” talk.
Safe sex is non-negotiable
Part of the “let’s get this party started!” process is talking about safer sex. Maybe you want to tell each other about STI testing; maybe you want to state what your safer sex needs are. In any case, the person with the strictest safer sex protocol is the one you follow. (And remember that this isn’t all an STI convo–in many threesomes there may be a need to be clear about contraception.)
Threesomes mean one person could get left out
You don’t mean to do it, maybe, but in the heat of a threesome, sometimes two people connect strongly for a while and the other feels left out. If that happens in your threesome you can take it in a couple of different directions: the person who feels that way can always find ways to add themselves back into the moment by kissing, caressing, getting a vibrator or other toy to add stimulation, or sitting there and narrating what they other two are doing and how hot it is. Or the “odd one out” can think how lucky they are to have a wonderful live-action sex show going on just for them, and watch and masturbate!
If a partner is just not responding to the other’s attempts to reintegrate themselves into the scene, it might be time to speak up. It might even be time to use your safeword. Arrange that safeword ahead of time!
Remember: You can tap out at ANY point
You might want to leave the room, and it’s a matter of your agreements and negotiation whether you are cool with the other two continuing without you. If not, it really might be safeword time. (Wait, you didn’t talk about that? You should have!)
If you just want some space, you might want to tell them you’ll be back when you’re ready–or that you want them to come draw you back in. Either strategy could work, so consider what works for you.
No matter what role you play in the three-way dynamic, you’re still an active part of it, and full consent from all three partners is the most important part–from negotiation to the moment you all call it a night.
Top tips for a successful threesome
Set your intention.
Take time to think about what you want to get out of the experience, especially if it’s your first threesome.
It is really important to respect everyone’s comfort level, including desires and boundaries. Think of it this way: It’s like the elements that make up comfortable sex, only more complicated, because there’s a whole other person with you. So think about and share the elements that will make it hot and amazing for you, and any no-go parts of the experience. Ask for what you want and state what you don’t.
Understand that jealousy may be a thing.
If talking about the possibility of a threesome brings up fear or discomfort, make sure you’ve talked it through to both peoples’ comfort before moving on to “Okay, who will do this with us?” If either/any of you feel jealous or stressed, ahead of time or in the moment, make space to talk it through or switch it up.
Communication after your threeway is just as important for this reason. Make sure you talk things through with your partner following your ménage to make sure that you’re both on the same page, especially if this is something you want to continue exploring.
Set boundaries and ground rules.
Three people will have base-level needs in this experience that go way beyond listing out all the MMF threesome positions you might want to try. Don’t dive in before finding out what they are (the needs, not the positions). Don’t ever forget that the third partner, even if they are a stranger, is more than a character in your fantasy–they, too, are here to have a sexy and amazing experience, and their needs for that are just as important as anyone else’s.
Agree together on a phrase (aka a safeword) that will let any of you call a timeout so needs can get met, from “I need reassurance right now” to “I need to pee.”
Finding the right third person
This is a deeply important element of making the threesome fantasy into fantastic reality. Remember that if you choose someone who’s part of both your lives, having sex with them can change everything about your relationship to them going forward. This is why you might not want to choose a person from your friend circle (unless you are all already very sexy friends–that can work) or the cute new person at the office (who is going to call HR as soon as the convo is over! Seriously, think it through!).
In addition to assessing compatibility (are you all comfortable together and attracted enough to one another to have a good time? Do you have at least some desires in common, your boundaries not cancelling each other out?), your best bet is a person who’s comfortable with sexual adventure. They will likely have skills to communicate and help stabilize the scene. (You might be that person, in which case you probably already know: You’re a unicorn and we all want you in our lives!)
Where do I find someone to have a threesome with?
It’s easiest to find playmates for threesomes (or other adventures) if you’re part of a sexually-oriented community already—group sex, kink, swinging, polyam, or other crowds where at least some of the participants are open to (and in some cases looking for) sexy fun. Does this mean you should play with anyone who wants to? No, but it’s an easier scene to find interested partners than asking your friends.
Another good option: hook-up apps–especially those with a frisky reputation. On the app, be clear that you’re interested in a threesome, and what kind, if you have a specific preference. It's generally not very fun to think you're matching with an individual, then finding they were actually pulling a bait and switch (because they were really only available as a couple).
If you’re looking for a hook-up in a party environment like a bar, remember that things like drinking or doing drugs (legal or otherwise) can affect someone’s ability to fully consent. Make sure everyone is able to give their full, enthusiastic, free-willed consent throughout the entire encounter from approach to sexy time and beyond.
Some couples desiring a threeway hire a sex worker. Some go to sex parties or swinger’s events to recruit someone. Some very lucky polyamorists find that mutual attraction exists between two metamours. And of course some jump on the apps and spell out what they’re looking for or what they’re up for. (Got an idea for your most-desired sex position for a threesome? Put it in your bio!)
What to do in a threesome
Well, see, this is why you break out your Yes/Maybe/No list up front, or ask each participant what they hope to experience—that gives you a list! Each person’s interests and “No, don’t go there” limits are equally important. But you don’t have to script it all out from the get-go. Just stay communicative throughout.
And as you play, don’t just do things and touch places without communicating about it and getting enthusiastic consent. Learn your common goals up front, then continually shape your experience by checking in and asking more questions–use dirty talk to keep conversation flowing and sexy!
Bring in some sex toys
There’s already lots going on in a threesome–but why not add more? Incorporate toys to help keep everyone occupied and reduce the feeling of being left out!
If one partner is chilling out as a voyeur, why not fire up a vibe while you watch? If there aren’t already two penises in the bed and someone wants to explore double penetration, you’ll want at least one dildo or strap-on, maybe two.
If someone is just this close to coming but they’re overstimulated, maybe a butt plug or a clitoral vibe will help. And of course any people with penises might want to keep it going as long as possible, and they might want a cock ring to help with that.
Here’s our recent blog by guest expert Morgan Mandriota for the best couples toys to spice up your relationship - and even though these toys are targeted for two, three or more can have just as much fun!
Keep lube at hand
And even if there isn’t double penetration–or any at all!--you will still want plenty of lube to keep it slick and keep it moving. If there is penetration, that goes double–or triple! Don’t forget that if you are using barriers, you’ve got to have lube on hand–and no oil-based lubes, which may not be compatible with your condoms or barriers.
Since we mentioned double penetration…
We said that threeways are graduate-level sex. Double penetration is postgraduate. Double penetration positions can be viewed in porn and they can be hot hot hot—but always remember the porn people are professional sexual athletes.
If there’s going to be any DP action in your threesome, make sure the recipient is more turned on than you can possibly imagine. Make sure you have the right lube (for the recipient, and for the penetrating items, which might be toys), especially if you’re going for single-hole DP.
If you haven’t already played with double penetration, start with adding in fingers and toys like dildos or double dildos for the DP experience. Pro tip: While you play as a twosome, talk dirty about how hot it would be to do this in a threesome.
Check in regularly and have a debrief afterwards.
You can always ask the person or people in bed with you if they want something different or are ready to switch it up. Make your threesome love nest a place where you can all talk openly about what’s happening and what you want.
After the sexytime is done, rehydrate and check in. Make sure everyone’s feeling appreciated and has what they need to wind down. Is your guest going to stay over? Help them feel at home. If not, make sure they have what they need to get home safe.
Enjoy your party of three
A threesome can open the door into a whole new level of comfortable and adventuresome sex. It can make your partnership into a power sex pairing! But for any of that to happen, you have to do the work. You want your primary tools, no matter what toys you stock up on, to be excellent communication, plenty of sexual knowhow, and immaculate respect for consent and negotiation. Start on all of that today and you’ll be ready when your unicorn strolls into the scene. And while you wait for that special day, you’ll make your sex life better than ever.
