How to Build a Gender Affirming Sex Toy Collection
The first moment I stepped into a harness and pulled the strap-on dildo onto my body was a turning point in my life as a trans person. As I tightened the leather straps and felt the brightly colored dick become flush against my own body, a newfound confidence awakened within me. My partner looked at me with a hungry desire and I finally saw myself.
This is the power of gender affirming sex. And people of any gender can experience this feeling with the right toy collection! My collection of trans sex toys has been evolving just as my gender expression and sexuality. Each new toy that enters into my life has the power to support my journey in discovering who I am and what I desire.
Come with me on a journey through my collection of queer sex toys and explore which of these tools works best for you, your body, and your gender!
What Makes a Sex Toy Gender Affirming?
In a sea of gendered sex toys, it can be challenging to find toys designed with you or your partner in mind. Many vibrators are marketed to cis women, which can feel discouraging for those of us who do not fit into that category. A gender affirming toy is intentionally created to center the trans experience and help you feel more at home in your body. And the good news is that there are more gender affirming sex toys (both trans femme sex toys and trans masc sex toys) available now more than ever before!
Toys that are non-traditional shapes, sizes, and colors can be gender affirming as much as toys that are realistic or designed for cis people. And even if a toy is marketed for a particular body or purpose, there are many creative ways to queer the use of a toy in order to experience gender euphoria.
Ultimately, what makes a toy gender affirming is based on how it aligns with your identity, and most importantly, if it helps you experience comfort and pleasure.
Tips for Choosing Gender Affirming Toys
Strap-On Harnesses
A wise person once told me that “strap-ons are for everyone and not for everyone.” A strap-on can be enjoyed by any gender or body, and within any relationship. And at the same time, not all queer and trans people want to incorporate strap-ons into their play, and that is perfectly okay. If introducing a strap-on to your sex life supports your desires and goals, then go forth and harness that power!
For trans masculine people, wearing a strap can feel like an extension of their own body. This connection to the strap-on for trans men can be enhanced by wearing a dildo that matches skin tone or personality (my favorite trans dildo). Pack and play toys are multipurpose and can be worn before sex as packers, and then used to penetrate a partner during play.
For trans feminine people, wearing a strap can alleviate pressure from using their own flesh body parts, especially if there is a desire to have penetrative sex with a partner. Additionally, estrogen can impact whether or not someone can maintain hardness so having a strap-on harness nearby is a great alternative!
If a trans person taking estrogen wants extra support by restricting blood flow in order to stay harder, try wearing flexible o-rings. A stretchy silicone set of multiple rings is best because estrogen can change the shape and size of the genitals, so it is good to have a range of options.
Looking to increase pleasure for the person wearing the strap? Trying adding a silicone bumper to the base of the dildo! This toy will provide both cushion and exciting pressure and stimulation.
Check out this article for a more in-depth overview of harness options!
Wands & Grinders
My favorite gender affirming sex toy in my collection? My vibrating wand. The wand is the ultimate trans sex toy with its incredible versatility. It can be used anywhere on the body for stimulation. The larger the head of the vibrator, the more surface area the wand can cover, which is great for folks who prefer less pinpointed or targeted stimulation. Try placing a strong wand between each other with one partner straddling the other, and then simply explore what feels good through grinding. This alleviates the pressure to figure out who should put what where and places agency in both partners to find their own sweet spots!
Other toys that achieve a similar sensation are grinder sex toys like this adorable vibe from the trans owned company Cute Little Fuckers or gender neutral toys that are more abstract in shape. These toys can be used anywhere on the body to add a fun vibe!
Dilators
Dilators are a set of insertables with various sizes. For trans people who have recently had gender affirming surgeries such as vaginoplasty or hysterectomy, dilators are a great way to support the body in healing. Start by inserting the smallest size, and then work your way up with time and patience. This practice can help prepare the genitals for lots of hot sex down the road!
Strokers & Suckers
Strokers are super fun for solo or partner play, but most on the market are not designed for trans bodies. A smaller stroker, also known as an FTM stroker, can better fit around trans masc bottom growth that may result from taking testosterone. Drop some water-based lube inside the stroker and then slide the toy up and down for a gender affirming jerking sensation!
Air pulsation toys are similarly manufactured with a smaller opening, which may not accommodate the spectrum of trans bodies. Toys with a larger suction hole are more likely to do the trick for trans femmes with big clits, as well as trans masculine dicks.
Pumps
Engorged trans cock? Ye, please! A pump is your friend when you want to enlarge your bits, either for added sensation or to insert yourself into a partner’s holes. Adding girth to the genitals can be very gender affirming, making pumps a great sex toy for trans men.
Extra supple nipples? We love that! For trans feminine folks, pumping the nipples can increase sensitivity to stimulation for wildly intense pleasure.
Pumps that come with a variety of sized attachments work best to better accommodate changes to the body. This toy gives you the power to explore new sensations so get pumped!
Adding Gender Affirming Gear to Your Collection
Packers & Panties
Outside of sex and play, there are many ways to feel attuned to your body and affirmed in your gender. I love the sensation of a soft fleshy packer between my legs when I’m out and about. Packers come in a variety of sizes and colors – some are smaller, while others are larger and some are realistic skin tones, while others are fantastical colors.
You can even choose to be circumcised or uncircumcised – the choices are endless! Ultimately, the packer for you is based on what feels most comfortable to wear, either with a harness, boxer briefs, or a packing strap. If you are specifically looking for a packer that doubles as a urinating device, check out Stand to Pee packers (STP) instead! These packers have a curved cupped opening and a hollow shaft for when you need to go.
Gaffs or “pussy panties” can help trans feminine or non-binary folks feel a sense of gender euphoria as well. Gaffs are underwear that help tuck the external genitals and come in many colors and materials, while “pussy panties” are silicone with a built-in vulva. Take care of your pussy panties by only using water-based lube and washing with mild soap and water.
Binders & Body Forms
Our chest and how we feel about our chest also play a role in our gender expression and sexual desires. Looking in the mirror and seeing a flat chest or two supple curves can enhance our confidence in our bodies and make us feel more desirable with our partners.
Binders can help compress the chest and should fit your body correctly and only be worn for up to 8 hours a day. If the binder is too tight or kept on for too long, it can cause discomfort and potential long term health issues. Remember to take breaks! Try a short binder or a full torso binder, depending on comfort and the desired look.
Body forms are soft silicone wearable breasts that can be worn under clothes or on their own. Choose your desired cup size from C to D to E, depending on how much you want to bounce. These transgender accessories flatten or add curves, so you can embody the shape that feels most like you!
Overcoming Dysphoria and Affirming Your Pleasure Journey
Over a decade later from that fateful moment with my first strap-on, I have had the joy of watching my toy collection expand. Now when I play with my trans partners, I feel a deeper sense of ease in navigating our wants and needs.
Trans people deserve to not just alleviate gender dysphoria during sex, but to celebrate our bodies as unique pleasure playgrounds. Exploring and discovering our pleasure is a profound personal practice. Gender affirming sex toys are tools that can support us on this exciting journey.
Using gender affirming sex toys isn’t just about sex – it’s about connecting with yourself, feeling seen, building confidence, and embracing who you are!
