Bringing BDSM Into Your Bedroom: Spanking and Bondage for Beginners
Bringing BDSM into the bedroom is a delicious way to spice things up! Whether you’re intrigued by bondage, spanking, or being dominant/submissive - BDSM is a chance to deepen sensations and get playful in the bedroom. BDSM has become more popular in conversations about sex, but it has always been a part of human nature to want to explore diverse sensations and fantasies for pleasure.
BDSM is an acronym that stands for:
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Bondage
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Physical restraints like handcuffs and rope.
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Discipline/Dominance
- Discipline can involve kinky activities like behavior or etiquette training, punishments and rewards.
- Dominance is a part of a consensual erotic power exchange where specific kinds of physical or emotional power is consensually granted to the Dominant person, sometimes with themes of authority, leadership, nurturance and control.
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Submission/Sadism
- Submission is part of a consensual erotic power exchange where specific kinds of physical or emotional power is consensually surrendered, sometimes with themes of helplessness, feeling small, fear, caretaking and obedience.
- Sadism is part of sado-masochism. Sadists enjoy giving emotional (e.g. humiliation) or physical pain (e.g. spanking).
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Masochism
- Masochists enjoy receiving physical or emotional pain. Masochists and sadists explore pain and pleasure erotically.
How do I tell my partner I want to try BDSM?
Talking about BDSM with your partner might be both exciting and intimidating. Start slowly with inviting a conversation, not an obligation or expectation. Approach the conversation from a curious perspective - how does your partner feel about erotic fantasies? Have they been curious about new sensations or sex toys? What kinds of erotic things turn them off? Exploring new desires can open up conversations about space for intimacy, adventure and empathy.
You can explore a BDSM discussion with the help of online tools like BDSM tests. These tests are informal, but offer a discussion starting point and help you go through potential kinky activities one by one.
Consensual BDSM means both partners are on the same page about what’s going to happen during their BDSM ‘scene’ and are committed to what each person needs in order to feel physically and emotionally safe. Explain your fantasy to your partner beyond the kinky act you’re interested in. Talk about the kinky activities, tools, roles, positions, and erotic feelings that you fantasize about. Ask about their kinky and non-kinky desires in a curious way.
How can I get started with BDSM?
Bondage and spanking are two popular ways that people explore BDSM. Both bondage and spanking have fun potential for exploring sensations, dominance and submission and roleplay.
Before getting started, learn and practice bondage and spanking techniques to avoid potential injury. Safe words are words that would not normally be used during your BDSM scene, like ‘pineapple’ or ‘pretzel’. They allow you and your partner to communicate ‘stop’ easily and clearly. You can also consider using a Safe System, like a number scale from 1-5 to communicate increase or decrease of intensity. Another popular safety tool is a traffic light system to indicate stop, slow down or keep going.
Discuss any aftercare needs before getting started. Aftercare refers to activities that can be used to relax and reset after BDSM scenes to allow the body and brain to come down softly into the present. Aftercare can include activities like cuddling, talking, eating and drinking, massages or showering together.
How to get started with Bondage
What is bondage?
Bondage is a part of BDSM that focuses on restraint and restriction of movement. Bondage can be psychological, for example, telling someone to hold a position. Bondage can be physical using rope, handcuffs, bondage tape, saran wrap and more. Once someone is in bondage, sexual activities might happen or the bondage itself might be the erotic reward.
What’s hot about bondage?
- Visual constriction of bodies - bondage can be erotic art
- Power and control - bondage can be about dominance and submission
- Meditative - bondage can help bodies relax and let go
- Roleplay - bondage might be part of a roleplay (e.g. kidnapping fantasy)
- New sensations - constricting parts of the body can intensify sensations during sex
Getting Started with Rope Bondage
Much of rope bondage borrows its language and style from Shibari rope bondage which emphasises intricate designs, rope aesthetics and can include suspensions. Get started with rope bondage by getting equipment, learning rope language and practicing basic ties.
Popular Rope types
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- Cotton rope - soft texture, flexible, not for suspensions, great for beginners and for bedroom bondage
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- Jute - strong, natural fibre rope, rough texture, used in suspension bondage
- Polyester rope - available in many colours, inexpensive, easy to clean, it’s slippery which can make knots harder to hold. Cotton poly blend ropes are a great hybrid choice.
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Here are some popular rope terms for bondage:
- Bight - middle of the rope that forms a loop that does not cross itself
- Working ends - the end of the rope that leads the binding
- Hitch - a knot that ties the rope to an anchor, e.g. a bed
- Bind - the wraps that form when rope is wrapped over an area multiple times
How do you tie bondage rope?
If you restrain someone, it’s important to know which areas of the body are safer to tie to reduce potential for nerve injuries. Do not tie across major arteries in areas like the groin and under arm for example. Be sure to learn the anatomy of safer rope tying and basic bondage knots before from books like How to Be Knotty and Showing You The Ropes. Always keep safety/surgical scissors nearby.
- Single Column Tie - columns refer to areas of the body like torso, arms, wrists, legs, ankles. This tie wraps around one column and can be used to tie to an object like a bedpost or to another column.
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- Drape the bite over the column, leaving 4-6 inches hanging.
- Wrap the working ends of the rope around one column about 3-5 times, keeping your rope flat (no twisting). You should be able to slip two fingers between the rope and the column.
- Crisscross the working ends and the bite.
- Tuck the bite under the binds and lead it out from under the binds to meet the working ends.
- Tie an overhand knot.
- Tighten - the rope should tighten to itself and NOT to the body.
- Double Column Tie - this tie uses two columns, for example, ankle to wrists or rope handcuffs.
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- Steps one and two of Single Column Tie except over two columns.
- Lead the bite over the middle of the binds and under until you meet the working ends.
- Crisscross the working ends and the bite.
- Tie an overhand knot.
- Tighten - the rope should tighten to itself and NOT to the body.
Rope Bondage To Try
- Handcuffs
Explore giving or receiving oral sex with rope handcuffs. Use a double column tie to bind someone’s wrists in front or in the back of them. - Ankle cuffs
Use a double column tie to make ankle restraints. Use this tie to keep their ankles together but their thighs spreadable. - Spread Eagle Tied to Bed
Use four single column ties to both wrists and ankles separately. Leave enough rope so you can create four more single column ties to the four posts of the bed. Try using feather ticklers, vibrators or ice cubes on your partner for sensation play.
Can I do bondage without rope?
You can get started with bondage without learning rope. Some of the best BDSM toys are things like bondage cuffs, bondage tape, restraint systems and bondage sets. Ankle and wrist cuffs allow one person to be restrained in sexual positions before or during sex. Under-the-bed restraint systems are handy because they can be tucked under the mattress when not in use and use the bed as a sturdy anchor point. Learn more about using kink toys here.
How to get started with Spanking
Why is spanking hot?
Erotic spanking is a popular sexy activity because it’s playful, sensation-based and there is a wide range of ways you can do it. Some people are into it for the physical high, others for the emotional high, and some people enjoy both!
Do women like to be spanked? Any gender can enjoy spanking. Spanking encourages the release of our feel good chemicals in the body like endorphins and dopamine. Whether you’re spanking butts or breasts or thighs (and even genitals), spanking creates sensations and aesthetics that can be arousing for both the giver and the receiver.
Spanking is a form of impact play. Impact play is a phrase used to describe erotic activities between someone who desires to be hit and someone who is doing the hitting with their hands or flagellation tools like spanking paddles or floggers.
Have a conversation with your partner about why you’re into spanking. Someone might enjoy spanking because of:
- Roleplay
- Erotic punishment or reward
- Receiving/giving physical pain
- Receiving/giving emotional pain (e.g. humiliation)
- Playfulness
- Feeling surrender or letting go/being in power/taking control
Spanking Tools
You already have a spanking tool on your body! You can use your bare hand for spanking. Different materials and designs of spanking sex toys will give you different sensations. Some popular spanking tools are:
- Paddles can be made of silicone, leather or vegan leather, vinyl or wood. Paddles with holes in them are more intense.
- Looped paddles are great for making the smacking noise without having to increase intensity.
- Riding crops are good for smaller areas like nipples or genitals. They provide a stingy sensation.
- Whips, floggers and canes are other types of impact play tools, but they require more technique and have a higher risk of injury.
How do I do spanking?
Whether your spanking involves a hand or a flogger, it’s important to understand where on the body you can hit/be hit safely. We may want to ‘hurt’ someone, but we definitely don’t want to injure them. Different bodies will have different levels of pain tolerance and there may be areas that the spankee wants to avoid completely.
In general, spanking works best on ‘meaty’ areas of the body; like bum cheeks, breasts and thighs. Areas to avoid include; spine, above the bum cheeks (lower back and any area with major organs like the kidneys that are not protected by the ribs). If you’re spanking below the bum cheeks and on the backs of thighs - note that these areas are going to be more sensitive than others so you will have to be mindful of intensity and bruising.
Spanking Techniques
To do spanking safely, you will need some techniques. Practice techniques on a pillow to improve precision. Here are some spanking techniques to try:
- Warm up the area with repetitive light spanks, increasing in intensity slowly. This allows the body to start increasing blood flow to the area and sending out all the feel good chemicals.
- Harder isn’t always better - play with speed and pacing to keep the body guessing and present.
- Aim for the thickest part of the butt cheeks, avoid lower back and hips.
- For more intensity, spank backs of thighs.
- Use an open hand with spread fingers (more stingy) or cupped hands/fingers together (more thuddy).
- Check in with the spankee - ask them to rate intensity from 1-5. Every body is different, so it can be helpful to understand the sensitivity of the person receiving.
After all the spanking fun is over, be sure to make time for aftercare. Aftercare are things that we need after intense experiences like spanking to help our bodies and minds settle back down, relax and release. Aftercare can be physical like icing a bum, cuddling, massage or getting rehydrated. It can also be emotional like debriefing what you both liked and didn’t like and reconnecting. Aftercare is important to make sure that everyone feels good about what happened, learns about what turns on their partner and makes it more likely that you all have an even better time on your next spanking adventure.
Bringing BDSM activities like bondage and spanking into the bedroom is both about technique and erotic imagination. Enjoy the expansion of eroticism, connection, communication and sensation!
